Do you ever feel like your child is giving you a hard time? We know that other people and even professionals have told you that it is wrong to yell at your kids. But we also know that sometimes it feels like the only thing you can do. It can be frustrating when children won’t listen and do what their parents tell them to do.
Many parents struggle with how to discipline their children. When you yell, it might work at the moment but can cause more problems later on.
Here are seven ways to help you to remain calm and stop yelling at your kids and what you can do instead!
Make sure to read this entire article so that you don’t miss anything! That way, the next time you feel like yelling at your kids. You stop and do what we share with you in this video instead.
Own The Problem
We all know that when we yell at our kids, it is a problem. But what if I told you that yelling was also a part of the problem? It’s not your child’s behaviors that make you scream and yell, but instead, it is your reactions to their behaviors. Let me explain.
Yelling is often a parent’s last straw to get their children to listen. When a parent’s expectation of what their child should be doing is not met. It can create a little emotional trigger in parents because their experience is not matching their expectations.
What can help you not yell?
Own The Problem
When a parent can own the problem, they get clear who needs to own or take responsibility for the problem. The best way to know who owns the problem is the person that is bothered owns the problem.
When parents yell at their children, the parents are the ones who are bothered. It’s not because their children are bad. It is they who are bothered by the situation and want it to change. Children most likely will not be bothered by what their parents are yelling at them for.
Most likely, children will not be bothered by their parent’s yelling.
Plus, yelling at children doesn’t solve anything since it doesn’t move the problem over to the child.
A child may understand that there is a problem because their parent is yelling, but they don’t own the problem.
So what can you do instead?
Start by identifying the problem that is bothering you. Come up with a solution to the situation in any way that will bring forth a positive outcome.
For example, if a parent yells at their toddler because they throw food on the food at mealtime. The parent is the one who is bothered, so they own the problem. They come up with a plan that involves telling their toddler that food goes in their mouth, not on the floor.
When their toddler throws food on the floor, the parent will calmly put them down. Then let them know that they can continue to eat their food when they are ready to eat it.
Understanding That Anger Is Okay
Most people get told while growing up that being angry is bad. That anger is a no-no. Parents feel guilty when they get mad at their children and often try to suppress the feeling or act on it unhealthy. It’s normal for parents to feel angry. Anger is okay, but working on the offense can be harmful to both parties involved.
Children don’t make their parents angry. Parents get mad within themselves. What makes parents angry is how they interpret a situation that makes them angry.
Of course, there are plenty of ways children can improve their behavior, but ultimately, it’s up to parents to choose if they will react to a situation by yelling or decide to respond calmly.
So how can parents express their anger without yelling?
Parents can do this by stating that they are angry right now.
Instead of yelling, parents may try to say, “I am feeling furious right now.”
Be cautious in how you say this and try to avoid saying, “you’re making me feel angry” Once again, children don’t determine how their parents feel. It’s okay to state your feelings but not blame someone else for how you think.
Saying this simple phrase can help parents break the cycle of yelling and find a more constructive way to solve their problems.
Avoid Getting Attached To The Outcome.
Parents want their children to behave and be cooperative. But, children don’t always cooperate with their parent’s wishes. When this happens, parents can become very attached to their child’s emotions and the outcomes of their behaviors, which makes them angry and causes a parent to yell at their child.
However, it’s not the best parenting technique as it causes more emotional damage for your child when you get upset and are yelling at them.
Not getting attached to the outcomes is simple, but it’s not always easy. To do this, parents need to ask themselves this question.
What is the reason I am yelling at my kids?
Parents may say that they yell because of their child’s behavior or their lack of responsibility. But it all comes down to their child’s behaviors.
What if parents took a step back and didn’t get attached to the outcomes?
They would be able to stay emotionally neutral and work through any situation with their child.
When parents can detach themselves from the outcomes, the problem is no longer the parent’s problem but their child’s problem.
Parents have no power or control to solve their children’s behaviors their children do. What can you do to prevent yourself from getting attached to the outcomes?
Come up with two alternatives, one alternative being the one you want and the other alternative being the one you control. Once parents can free themselves from the outcomes, they are no longer held hostage since they are okay with either option.
For example, Jamie is frustrated that her 12-year-old son doesn’t listen when she asks him to turn off the video games. She nags and reminds him, which often leads her to yell at him to turn it off.
When she yells, he finally listens and turns off the games. However, Jamie has watched this video because she doesn’t want to keep yelling at her son. Jamie learns that she needs to detach herself from the outcomes.
She comes up with a plan, and she sits down with her son to discuss the project. Jamie tells her son that he can turn off his video games every day by 5:00 PM or have them taken away for a week.
Now Jamie has freed herself from the outcomes because she is okay with either. Jamie no longer has the problem because she has lovingly placed the situation in her son’s hands.
Jamie is fine with either alternative because she has detached herself from the outcome.
Know Your Triggers
As a parent, you have triggers. Your little one’s tantrum might be the trigger that sets off your meltdown. One way to combat this is to know your triggers and work through them in healthy habits! As parents, we often become our children and let their emotions control us.
Knowing your triggers will allow you to identify them before they happen. Once you can recognize that a trigger has happened, then it becomes easier for you to manage it or avoid the situation altogether!
If you are not sure what your triggers are, you can easily recognize when you are triggered by paying attention to situations that bring about strong emotions.
Start to plan for the situations that trigger you. If you noticed that you get triggered before you have to leave your house. Prepare ahead of time by having your children get ready 10 minutes before you have to go. That way, when it’s time to leave, everyone is prepared to head out the door!
When feeling strong emotions, we often try to avoid them or fight back against what’s happening. Instead, approach these unexpected feelings with curiosity and listen. Look for clues about why they may have come up in the first place.
Don’t Teach In The Moment
One of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship with your children is communicating openly and effectively. Sometimes this can be difficult, which may lead some parents into yelling at their child out of frustration or anger.
You might think that getting angry would get your point across better than speaking gently. But shouting harms both you as a parent and them as listeners because it makes kids less likely to want to listen even more when they hear mom yell in Rage mode!
Shouting at our kids only ever leads to one thing: more shouting. It doesn’t matter if it comes from them or you–it never helps and always makes things worse.
The best thing parents can do is not punish or try and teach in the heat of the moment; why?
Let’s find out
It has a lot to do with the brain! If we take a brain and divide it into three sections, the brain’s lower area houses the flight or fight responses.
The middle area of the brain is where all emotions reside, such as anger, sadness, happiness, joy, etc. Lastly is the higher brain, and this area of the brain houses logic, reasoning, problem-solving, kindness, etc.
When a child or parent is emotionally charged (aka triggered), the higher brain shuts down, leaving both parties very emotional and unable to work through the situation peacefully.
Parents should NOT teach at the moment. They are wasting their energy when they try. After all, their children are not hearing what they have to say because they are too emotionally triggered to listen and process the lesson their parents are trying to teach.
What can you do instead?
Wait until everyone has had a chance to cool off. It can be hard to wait but think of the bigger picture. It’s better for your health and those around you if you exercise self-control at the moment. You will deliver a more vital message by waiting 5-10 minutes VS trying to teach at the moment.
Parent and child will be able to talk out the situation and develop a solution that teaches. With younger children, parents can remain calm while they explain behavior expectations and the consequences.
Give Pre Transition Warnings
If you are a parent, there is no doubt that getting out of the house can be difficult. Whether it’s just trying to get yourself ready with a baby on one hip and an older child tugging at your leg or trying to keep two kids occupied while you finish preparing lunch for everyone, many times we’re left frustrated and yelling.
Parents can get frustrated with their children when they demand attention from them right when they are in the middle of doing something. The same applies to children.
When a child enjoys the activity they are doing; it can be frustrating when demanded to stop what they are doing right this instant.
Which often leads to children throwing tantrums, arguing for five more minutes, or straight up ignoring their parent’s request.
What Can Parents do instead?
-Give a warning before transitions. “Dinner is in 10 minutes. So please start getting your video game in a place to pause it, so you are ready by dinner.
-“5 more minutes at the park, and then it will be time to leave, so why don’t you pick one last thing you want to do before we leave.”
-“15 minutes before we need to leave for school. What do you need to do before we go?”
Giving pre-transition warnings allows kids to know what comes next in the sequence of events. It helps them to know when they need to stop doing something and when they need to start getting ready for a transition.
This also helps parents with transitions since it’s not the first time they have done this sequence. Which can help to reduce both parent and child being frustrated with each other during these transitions, which are beneficial for everyone involved.
Bonus tip: If you are a yeller, use these tips to help you not yell at your children. Try by picking 1-2 at first and get consistent with those first before trying more information in this video. Just by using 1 of these simple tips, parents will see massive results in their home and their relationship with their children.
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