Okay. Let’s be honest here, we are all guilty of saying things to our children that we wish we could put back in our mouth. We may have even said some very rude and hurtful things when we’ve yelled. But like most parents, we may feel guilty and shameful of our actions, as well as our words and want to make up. But how?
Let’s take a look at how to repair your relationship with your child after you yell.
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In This Article
How To Repair Your Relationship With Your Child After You Yell
Cool Down & Take A Breather
Think of a high emotional situation like a volcano, when you’re in the middle of a situation with your child and their pressure is rising, just like a volcano where the pressure just keeps building and building until it finally explodes, parents explode by yell at their children. Nothing gets solved when everyone’s emotions are in “crazy town”.
Take some deep breaths helps to calm your emotions and you start operating in the high area of your brain which is where the more logical understanding and reasoning area is instead of the middle part of the brain which is where all the feelings live. The best thing that you can do for yourself and for your child, is to allow each of you to have the chance to calm down and cool off. Let the anger cool, the frustration cool, or whatever feelings are going on. Take a few deep breaths to help lower your emotions and reground yourself.
If you successfully want to repair your relationship with your child after you yell. Make sure you both have enough time to cool down before talking again. That way you both can talk from a place of peace and connection.
Implement The Apology
More likely than not, you’re going to have to be the one that goes to apologize and ask for forgiveness. This is a great time to explain that you said something you didn’t mean to say. You said what you said because you were angry and not because you believe it. This will open the door to show your child that you are ready and open to discuss the situation with each other.
Hear Them Out
When you go to talk to your child, they may still feel hurt. They may still feel angry or frustrated about the situation, allow your child to feel their emotions. It is okay to feel angry. Anger is one of the best teachers because it is teaching you what needs of yours are not being met. Anger is not bad. How you react to anger, determines if your actions are good or bad. Use your feelings as a learning tool to help you better understand what needs are not being met for you and your child. Make sure to hold space for your child to feel their emotions WITHOUT judgment. Let them get their emotions out, and allow them to feel what they’re feeling this will help you to repair your relationship with your child.
Take Responsibility For Your Actions
When you take responsibility for your actions, you are also teaching your children to take responsibility for their actions. Because children model everything, almost everything that their parents say, do, and act. You could say something like “I am sorry I yelled, I was frustrated and took my frustrations out on you, I know what wasn’t right”. Also ALWAYS, ALWAYS let your child know that you love them regardless of you yelling at them and that you yelled because your need for cooperation, obedience, understand, etc. is not being met. Not because you dislike them or do not love them. When children see their parents vulnerable and that they too make mistakes they will understand that it is human but that you can learn and grow from your mistakes.
When you take responsibility for your actions, apologize for the yell and apologize for the words that you said. You could even list what you are going to do better next time. Be vulnerable during this moment, show your child that you are human too. And that even parents make mistakes.
Rekindle Lost Connection
Once everyone has been heard and everyone’s feelings have been understood and have been openly accepted with empathy. The next step you want to do is to make up and rekindle that connection. Because during the situation with your child that caused you to yell connection between the both of you was lost.
Connection and disconnection with our children may happen a lot during the day. That’s okay! it is normal to have that happen but the reconnection after a disconnection so IMPORTANT! you are establishing trust, love, safety, and connection with your child again! rekindle connection again by playing a game, run around outside together, draw together, catch a ball, etc. No matter what type of play you do. Make sure you do some type of play TOGETHER to rekindle your connection with your child.
One of my favorite books is called Playful Parenting By Lawerence J. Cohn. It talks a lot about how to rekindle the connection with your child when it is lost. the power that play can be to help with parent-child connection, and how play helps children process their emotions. It is defiantly a must-read parenting book that I recommend!
Why Parents Yell
Now that we have talked about how to repair relationship with your child, let’s dive into why parents yell.
Unrealistic Expectations That Are Not Being Met
A lot of the reasons why parents yell at their children because they may have set unrealistic expectations and their expectations aren’t being met. Parents have expectations that they want their children to meet. Either those expectations are unrealistic or unattainable and the child can not simply reach it. It’s like asking a 2-year-old to vacuum the living room, that is an unrealistic expectation. If you yell at your child, think about why you yelled and it’s usually more than “they just didn’t listen”. It may be that you expect them to listen as do what is told right away and you yelled because that expectation wasn’t met.
A Need Is Not Being Fulfilled
More often then not, the reason parents yell, get angry, or frustrated, is that they have a need that is not being met. I want you to go back to a recent situation with your child that ended with you yelling. What caused you to yell? Was it because of your need for cooperation, the need for you to be heard or listened to was not being met? What was your need during that moment?
Parents who make sure that their needs are constantly being met have very little to no reason to yell. This is a lot easier said than done simply because we are usually so wrapped up in our children and make sure their needs are being bet.
Have you heard the quote “if mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? It is so true! I was watching Gery’s Anatomy a while back, and there was an episode where Dr. Addison Montgomery told a mom who had a premie baby that the best thing she could do for her baby was to take care of herself. Like I said this is easier said than done, but when you make sure your needs are being met, you will have a deeper, more loving, playful, and happier relationship with your children. You will be shocked at how much better your children behave!
Parenting How You Were Parented
Have you ever said something to your child and realized that your parent’s words came out of your mouth? Maybe you told yourself before having kids that you were never going to yell because yelling was a norm in your childhood, but you are finding yourself yelling at your children. This how any unfinished business leftover from your childhood can affect your parenting today. Parents consciously and unconsciously take the good and maybe not so good parenting tactics from their childhood into their own parenting. The good news is that you can break those “bad” parenting patterns and fill them with more a peaceful more peaceful way of parenting.
My Children Only Listen When I Yell
I hear you! As a former yeller, I can tell you that I felt the same way. I would ask over and over for my daughter to do something and she wouldn’t listen until I yelled or took something away. There are two main reasons why children don’t listen the first time.
- They have been programmed to not listen: This means that they don’t have to listen to mom or dad until they yell or threaten.
- They simply didn’t hear you: Yes, this is true. Think about a time when you were on your phone scrolling Facebook and your child was talking to you. Did you really hear everything they said? Sometimes children simply didn’t hear you or heard you wrong.
Is there a way to get your children to listen that doesn’t resort to your yelling? The answer is YES!
- When you say something you mean it: This doesn’t mean you yell. This means when you say 5 more minutes you really mean 5 more minutes. You don’t give in even if there is whining, crying, or complaining from your child. If you say “no friends until after your chores are done” you stick to that.
- Get down to your child’s level: We have all yelled from the kitchen to your child to have them get their shoes on. But if they are really into their playtime or tv show. They probably will say “okay!” but not actually follow through. When asking your child to do something, get down to their level look them in the eyes, and calmly asked them to do something. It doesn’t stop there, after you told them what to do have them REPEAT back to you what you just said. This way you will know whether what you said was communicated clearly to your child or not.
How To Prevent Yelling In The Future
Actively Listen Without Judgement
Actively listens to means listening intently without judgment. You are not thinking of something to say next or a rebuttal to whatever your child has to say. You are listening to the words and the feelings your child is saying, as well as paying attention to your child’s body language. When parents are actively listening to their children, even during a middle of a tantrum or argument without judgment, they’re more likely to be able to hear what the real issue is behind what the words that their children are saying.
You want to hear them out and hold space for your child. This allows them to release all their emotions their feelings that they’re feeling from the situation. Children feel heard and to feel valued when parents allow them to talk about what they feel about the situation. So to help you prevent yelling in the future, practice active listening without judgment, and become aware of your feelings.
Become Aware Of Your Feelings
When you are in the middle of a situation with your child, and you start to feel tension, anger, or frustration. I want to let you know that those FEELINGS ARE OKAY! you are not a bad more or failing as a mom. It is important to be able to be aware of your feelings and where you feel them in your body. That way you’ll be able to know when you feel like you’re going to yell so that you can calm down and not join your child in what I like to call “crazy town”. Because it is children’s job to stay children and it is a parent’s job to stay calm.
Being empathetic is not the same as sympathetic and Brené Brown’s video about empathy is a perfect explanation. Check out the video below!
When we are empathetic with our children, we are feeling what they’re feeling. We can be empathetic to the emotions that our children are feeling. Parents can listen, allow them to be heard, and get down to their level.
If you feel the tension is rising, or you feel your blood start to boil and you are in a place where you can walk away, then walk away. You can calmly say “I’m not discussing this right now. We can come back to it when we were both calm and not emotional about the situation”. Then walk away to somewhere where you can take some deep breaths and calm down.
Turn Meltdowns & Arguments Into Teaching Moments
You can turn meltdowns & arguments into teaching moments with your child! you can do this by helping them calm down and teach them how to effectively communicate. If a child is crying or whining, because they want a Popsicle you can address them and say, “that’s not how we ask for popsicles. Can you say…please, can I have a Popsicle?” and wait until they say it very calmly and nicely.
If your 10-year-old wants a new bike and he is arguing with you about it. Take a few minutes to calm down and then plan together how he can work to get a new bike. Doing this will help teach your child how to ask and how to figure out the solution to their problems in a very calm manner. Plus instead of being the “bad guy” you are working through the problem together as a team! You are on your child’s side not against it!
Juliane Barnhill said “yelling is where 90% of us do the most damage”. Yelling actually has a lot of psychological effects on children.
Parents are yelling more than ever at their children. That’s because spanking has been deemed bad or an ineffective way to handle children, therefore, leaving parents to feel like they can get their children to listen, to do what they want them unless they yell.
In this post, you have seen that it is possible to repair your relationship with your child after you yell. You have also seen how to prevent yelling in the future and trust me! I mentioned earlier that I am a recovering yeller and I have learned how to make sure my needs are getting met. All of these tips I have learned through trial and error and they work! I love this quote from a book called Love & Respect By Dr. Emerson Eggerich “You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.”
Parents who can learn to notice the signs that their volcano is about to eruption. Will be able to dial down their own feelings, tensions, and pay attention to there warning signs. The warning signs might include tightness in your throat, sweaty palms, clenching teeth, or your jaw or negative thoughts about oneself or your child. You will be able to pinpoint your triggers and calm the volcano before it erupts! It may take some time to repair your relationship with your child after you yell, so be patient during the process and work to improve for next time!
If you are like most parents, you don’t want to yell anymore, you actually HATE yelling at your children. You hate seeing their sad faces full of fear and hurt when you yell. You would much rather have a happy and joyful relationship, but maybe you are unsure of how to make that happen.
If you could learn how to stop yelling, arguing, or threatening your children and instead get your children to listen, obey, and create a better relationship that really stands the test of time. How would you feel?
Well, you are in luck mama! If you are interested in learning more about how you can transform your parenting into a more peaceful one. Click the button below to join my Conscious Parenting Transformation waitlist. You will be first in line to learn more about how you can peacefully parent for the rest of your life!